Values, Values system & Self-Definition

Hey all.

I want to share here an inner insight that I have recently discovered about myself after some deep soul searching. It has to do about a discovery of how I was unconsciously used to define my own value as a person based on an attractive woman's responses towards me.

If you find that you relate to this subject, feel free to read on and share your thoughts at the end of this post.

I know that it sounds completely illogical. It was for me too.

I'm quite sure that every one of us have some areas in his life that are governed by illogical and irrational ways of thinking and perceiving things that may prevent him from being able to feel good or at ease around them, and as a result - toughens his ability to succeed and/or enjoy them. It's only when you become aware of these irrational thought patterns where they can be intervented, changed, and maybe fixed for good.

I guess that real world examples would help understanding better exactly what I'm talking about.

So let's start with a subject I like: sports, for instance. I like to play soccer.

I noticed that in the neighbourhood where we play soccer, there are some people who will take losses very very personally and seriously. So much, infact, that they won't even be able to stay there any more and they'll just have to go home to relax. Does it make sense??? I mean, we are there to play and enjoy and have fun playing football, and a person's entire mood can immediately change 180 degrees from complete joy to horrible disaster only because his team lost. It doesn't make sense. When I lose a game, I don't take it this personally. I mean, it's just a game. No big deal. But for those people, it's everything. It's not logical right?

Another example is how some folks can perceive wealthy people with lots of money.

I personally came from a family where my father and mother used to hang out with so called "high society" people. People with lots of money, industry leaders etc. I learned that these people are no different than me and you, and nobody of them is better than you or me only because he has money. Some of them are complete idiots who just seem to have a "good mouth" and know how to be diplomats and talk. Whenever you face them with a question that requires depth and a real brain, many of them get lost. I know it. So I can walk up and meet up with people who are millionaires or famous celebs and to just be myself as I am naturally and not even count their presence. I have a friend who couldn't do it, up until recently. He told me that whenever he was about to meet a realy wealthy person, he'd start to shake and get nervous. I thought about it and said .. but how could it be? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!! It was in his world though. Because in his own value system, a person with a lot of money is considered a god.

And that brings me back to my own example, and how I got this insight.

Recently, I have been working my ass on a big project. It's my own creation.

This project brings alot of joy and happiness to my life, I enjoy every minute of working on it, and even though it caused me to be in the field less - it made me feel proud as a person on something I create, and it made me feel great about myself as well. Then one day, I was walking out of my house to do my regular walk around the city, feeling great and delightful about myself. It all went so fine ... until one moment when I saw this attractive girl coming in front of me. She was talking on her cellphone. As she passed near me, I started looking at her.. hoping that she looks back at me... but she didn't. And at that moment, my entire mood changed 180 degrees. From complete joy, proud of myself, good about myself - to feeling horrible, disasterous, frustrated and what not!

This was a breakthrough moment for me, because .. perhaps for the first time in my life .. I became fully aware to just how powerfully women's responses affected me. And I didn't even approached her! I just looked at her, and she didn't reciprocated back... and that by itself hurted me in a very deep and emotional level... and just as I told you here, I realized at that moment - THAT IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL !!!

How can I walk out my door ... feeling so great about myself, about what I've created, what I worked my ass on with complete joy of ... and BECAUSE OF A WOMAN'S LOOK ... a woman who just talked on her phone ... who I don't even know .... to come back home so devastated ???

This didn't make sense to me at all!!

And exactly because of that - I knew that I MUST find a way to answer this question.

So I started digging down the surface of my mind. I had to find the root for this cause.

No more NLP tricks of altering my emotions, No more reframes, No more affirmations .. I knew that this is something deep .. and I was determined to find it out....

Before I tell you how I found the big answer .. (and btw: all the answers to all the questions are already inside of you) .. let me tell you something funny about us, humans.

We all think that we are SO smart, right?

I believe that when we are kids, we make alot of illogical conclusions that are based on our irrational understanding of the world back then, that later these conclusions just sink down the surface and into our subconscious and become thought patterns that we live with. These thought patterns are what guides us through life, what creates our most powerful emotions, and you are almost never aware of them until one day you realize, just as I did, that something is completely wrong and illogical about your feelings and you must figure out what it is.

So I asked the question.

Thankfully, I have great buddies who I can share my thoughts with, and one by one they started providing me directions & clues as to what it could be, that eventually led me to the answer.

The first buddy who I talked with, is a friend of mine from the football. He is also the guy that I told you who used to be nervous around wealthy people. I talked with him about this subject, and this is how he shared with me his past fear of wealthy people. In the end of my conversation with him, we came to the conclusion that I attached very high value and importance to a woman only because she's attractive to me. So he asked me: "Why do you give so much value to an attractive girl?". Answering this question by itself was impossible... because I told him: it doesn't make any sense to attach so much value to a girl only because she's attractive!

This dropped the first coin to my head. And now here's the next one.

I had a conversation later with my mother. I thought that listening to a female's perspective may enlighten me. She was completely shocked by everything I was saying ... "You should NEVER feel less than a woman just because she's pretty!" ... and then she started telling me of this TV show that she watches called "Let's marry". Moms just love these shows. In every show they bring a guy and a girl that are supposed meet in the end of the show if everything goes well and they like each other. The show is hosted by a female host, a female astrologist and a female psychologist that navigate, analyze and suggest ideas to both the guy and the girl. There was one show where they brought a female girl who looks like a porn star but she was obvisouly not a real person. Her entire personality was an act. She would raise her nose, talk with an exaggerated way of speech, and brushed her hair. And both the host, the astrologist, the psychologist AND my mother (And i'm sure that lots of other females who watched the show) - they could all see how unauthentic she is. How she is just an act. But the guy COULDN'T SEE IT! And even though both the host, both the astrologist, and the psychologist - all told him that she's not for him, that she is a dominative person, that she's into sadistic stuff - he chose her! And this dropped a second coin in my mind ... could it be that what we observe externally is a deception???

The third coin came from a best friend of mine. He's a natural.

I shared my thoughts as well with him, and then he told me how it reminded me of something that happend to him. One day, he met this buddy of his who also brought a girl that he knows. She's a model. Between friends he tried chatting with her up, and she completely ignored him (Mind you: this is NOT a cold approach. She ignored him within a social circle setting!) and talked to his buddy, and asked the buddy question about my friend as if he's not there (Standoffish). Then, she told them both how she never goes out with a guy unless he spends 3000 shekels on her in an evening (Whore). And finally, he told me how one day he was working and he saw her walking down the street, so he pointed at her for his work colleague so he can see who is that girl, when she saw him she gave him the "fuck off" finger. After this story, I couldn't feel anything but disgust towards her. Then my friend asked me if i want to see her picture, so I said sure. He sent me her picture. And even though she is a model, and she will be very attractive to many men - AFTER I KNEW HOW HER SHITTY PERSONALITY REAL IS, I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING ATTRACTIVE IN HER! SHE DISGUSTED ME FROM HEAD TO BONES!!!

This was interesting .... I knew her personality is shitty before I saw her, so then when I saw her I couldn't find anything attractive in her cause I knew she's disgusting as a person... but in the real world situations I only see their beauty first .... could I be up to something soon??

And then, the final coin that hit the nail came from a buddy who I haven't talked with for a while.

I shared my story with him as well, and he told me how he learned this technique that is taken from cognitive psychology, that he learned in his book by a doctor, about how to "dig into deep emotions". He started investigating me for a while, I cooperated. At some point we came to a conclusion that I feel inadequate for realy attractive women. So he asked me: "Why do you feel inadequate?", and he told me to sit down and realy think deep on this question. And any answer that comes up in the sort of "I feel X" - I should dig even further below until I find the answer.

Surprisingly enough, this has led me to a bottom root question: "Why do I give such importance to attractive women's reactions towards me?". And then, having remembered all the above, I came to a surprise answer. A very logical answer, that I couldn't think of because my thinking was illogical:

If I approach a beautiful woman and she responds rudely towards me ... well.. THAT is NOT a reaction of a person who is realy beautiful. One that has inner beauty as well. A beautiful person will NEVER respond rudely and harshly to you, no matter if you're attractive to him or not. I know that I, personally, even if a fat and disgusting chick approached me, I'd be nice towards her.

So these girls who respond rudely are NOT good people. You saw it with my natural friend's example.

They are NOT beautiful people from the inside. So now the question I had to ask myself was:

HOW CAN I GIVE SUCH UNHAPPY, UNREAL, AND UNPRETTY PEOPLE DECIDE WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M WORTH???????????

WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TO DECIDE IT????????????

WHY SHOULD I BE ASHAME OF WHO I AM, BECAUSE OF SUCH PEOPLE ???????

ME, SUCH A REAL, AUTHENTIC GUY, SMART, ATTRACTIVE ... AND LET ALL THIS GO DOWN THE DRAIN BECAUSE OF SUCH LOSERS??????

THEM???????????? PFFFFFFF......

And yes, you can't imagine how angry I was that I've let all these attractive women, all these years, women who may have only had OUTER attractiveness but definitely didn't have any INNER attractiveness ... how could I have let THEM tell me who I am???????

I was realy pissed off when I found this out, and I still am up until this moment.

I don't think that ANYONE has ANY RIGHT to define who you are as a person. No matter how rich, famous, attractive or social he is.

FUCK THEM, WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?

-- leedrag0n